🌱Wait, Compliments Can Hurt? Why Praise Sometimes Fuels Shame — and What Helps Instead
Have you ever given someone a compliment — or received one — and instead of feeling encouraged, it somehow made things… heavier?
Maybe someone told you, “You’re so smart,” and it left you wondering what would happen the next time you didn’t have the answer. Or maybe as a parent, you’ve said, “You’re such a good kid,” only to watch your child shrink when they mess up. It’s confusing, right? Because praise is supposed to build people up. But sometimes, it doesn’t.
Let’s talk about it. Because the truth is, even the kindest compliments can unintentionally create pressure and that pressure can turn into shame.
💭Wait… Compliments Can Increase Shame?
Yes — and here’s how.
Shame often shows up when there’s a gap between who we think we’re supposed to be and who we actually are. And when praise focuses more on identity (“You’re smart & amazing”) than on the process or effort, it can create a sense of conditional worth.
In other words: I’m only lovable when I’m impressive, helpful, smart, or successful.
Here’s a simple example:
“You’re such a good boy for cleaning your room.”
Sounds sweet, right? But when that child doesn’t clean his room next time, the unspoken question becomes: Am I still a good boy?
That’s how shame sneaks in. It attaches our value to our actions. Suddenly, our mistakes feel like proof that we aren’t enough — not just that we made a mistake.
This plays out in adulthood all the time. Maybe you find yourself terrified of making a mistake at work, even though no one’s mad. Or you feel like a fraud when someone compliments you. Maybe you always need to be “the helpful one,” or the high-achiever, because deep down you’re afraid of who you are without those roles.
It’s not just in your head — it’s an old story your nervous system might have learned through well-meaning praise.
🎭What It Can Look Like:
Whether you’re seeing this in your child or recognizing it in yourself, here are a few signs praise might be feeding shame instead of self-esteem:
Fear of failure or trying new things. ("What if I disappoint them?")
Imposter syndrome. ("They say I’m great, what if I’m not.")
Confusing performance with identity. ("If I fail, then I am a failure.")
People-pleasing. ("If I’m not helpful or impressive, will they still like me?")
If any of that hits close to home — you’re not alone. And this is something we can shift.
🛠️So How Do We Build Confidence Without Shame?
It starts with changing how we speak to others — and to ourselves. We’re not throwing praise out the window; we’re making it deeper, more intentional, and more empowering.
Here are some powerful ways to do that:
💪1. Praise the Effort, Not the Identity
Instead of saying:
👉 “You’re so smart.”
Try saying:
✅ “You worked really hard on that — I could see how much effort you put in.”
This helps build a “growth mindset,” where people value effort and persistence over being naturally talented. It encourages resilience when things get tough.
🔍2. Use Observations Instead of Labels
Instead of saying:
👉 “You’re amazing at this!”
Try saying:
✅ “I saw how you kept at it, even when it was hard. That showed a lot of patience and determination.”
When we describe what we notice instead of labeling someone, it allows them to define themselves — without feeling pressure to live up to a label every time.
💬3. Ask Questions That Build Internal Confidence
Instead of jumping right into praise, ask questions like:
✨ “How did that feel for you?”
✨ “What part are you most proud of?”
✨ “What helped you keep going?”
These questions help people reflect and feel proud of themselves, not just the approval they get from others.
🦁4. Celebrate Courage, Not Just Success
Too often we only cheer for the win — but trying, risking, and showing up are victories, too.
Try saying:
✅ “It took courage to speak up, even when it felt scary. That really matters.”
This reminds people that they are valuable not just because of what they achieve, but because of who they are and the brave choices they make.
🌈5. Offer Unconditional Support
Sometimes the most powerful words aren’t tied to what someone does at all:
💛 “I love watching you grow.”
💛 “I’m proud of how you keep showing up.”
💛 “I care about you, no matter what.”
This kind of language builds a steady, rooted sense of worth — the kind that doesn’t crumble when life gets messy.
You Are Not What You Do
If you grew up only hearing praise when you “did well,” it makes sense that you might still be chasing it.
But here’s the truth: you don’t have to earn your worth. You don’t need to be the best, the smartest, the most helpful, or the strongest. You are allowed to be loved as you are. This might be a great opportunity to practice healing your inner child to rebuild self worth.
And if you're a parent or a caregiver, you have so much power to help the kids in your life grow up feeling free to make mistakes, try new things, and love themselves for who they are — not just what they do.